Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘No Senora…the gardener did.’
Wife: ‘So how much do you want?’

By: Steve Goodier

Buckminster Fuller once said, “The minute you choose to do what you really want to do it’s a different kind of life.” And it’s not about what you’re getting PAID to do! If you want to live abundantly, decide what you really want and figure out a way to do it. Be clear and live with intent.

You may have heard of Fred Lebow. Fred complained to his doctor that he lacked energy. His doctor advised him to take up running in order to increase his stamina. He fell in love with it! He was 39 years old when he entered his first race — and did horribly. He beat only one other contestant? 72-year-old man. But he loved it!

Fred decided what he really wanted to do — and he did it in his spare time. He joined the New York Road Runners Club and organized New York City’s first marathon race. But what Fred truly wanted to do, even more than run, was to bring people together. And that is what he did. He believe that anybody should be able to run — people of all ages, any background, professional or amateur, and of any country. Today, more than 28,000 people of all backgrounds and nationalities compete in the NYC Marathon.

Not everyone in New York was excited about people running through their neighborhoods. Fred was approached by a youth gang that warned him that nobody had better run through their turf. “That’s great,” Fred enthused. “I need someone to protect the runners in your area, and you look like just the fellows to do it.” He gave them each a hat, shirt and jacket and that year, when the marathon went through their neighborhood, these young men proudly guarded the runners along their way.

Fred decided what was truly important to him and he found a way to do it. He lived with intent. That single decision made his life remarkably different.

In 1990, Fred Lebow found he had a brain tumor. In 1992 he ran his final race. He crossed the finish line holding the hand of his friend and Norwegian Olympic medalist, Grete Waitz. A bronze statue was created of Fred in his running clothes, checking his watch. It is now placed at the finish line of every race. Fred died in 1994. But as one sports writer said, “Fate handed him a short race. With his gall, with his love of life, Fred Lebow turned it into a marathon.”

Fred would say that it’s not about how long you live, but how you run the race of life. Do you run it with intent?

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

‘Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.’

Esther always replied,

‘I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars’

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, ‘Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’

To this, Esther replied, ‘Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars..’ The pilot overheard the couple and said, ‘Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.’

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, ‘By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!’

Morris replied, ‘Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!’

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

“No” he says “the seat is empty”

“This is incredible!” said the man “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year and not use it?”
He says, “Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married”
“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head…
….”No. They’re all at the funeral.”

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

Chuck now works for Morgan Stanley.

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now, I think you’re supposed to send this20to 5 or 6, maybe 10.
oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen . . . I think.  
someday…somehow…whatever we prayed for,…will come true…it may not be in the exact package we wanted….but it will be what God thinks is best for us.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, ‘I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.’

I said, ‘Well, then why are you crying?’

She said, ‘He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.’

I said, ‘Well, why are you crying?’

She said, ‘For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ‘

I said, ‘Well, why in the world would you be crying?’

She said, ‘I can’t remember where I live!’

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, ‘Watch that wall!’

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ‘Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attach ed to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.’

The old man faxed back: ‘Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.’

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ‘You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.’

Replied the widow, ‘I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.’